Most women, myself no exception, are spoiled brats. We have gotten used to getting our way by looking sexy, wiggling our hips, and pretty much just by being a woman. We have also gotten used to pouting, crying, throwing tantrums or having a mood if we don’t get what we want.
This would not be a problem if it worked in our relationships, but it doesn’t. If I throw a fit with one of my girlfriends, chances are she waits until I am done and then she’ll ask what’s going on.
With men, this does not work. Never, ever, EVER! Throwing fits and having moods is the fastest way to drive your man insane and to ruin your relationship. Most women know this and still have a hard time accepting it and changing their “Why can’t a man just be like a girl? or, “I have a mood, there is nothing I can do about it.” attitude.
Because we get away with it. There are no ‘visible’ consequences. Or so we think. The truth is far from it. The consequences may be subtle but they have an enormous impact. They cost women aliveness, money, friendships, intimacy, and beauty.
Yes, every fit you throw will make you look more exhausted, angry and disappointed. We metabolize our emotions. If you take a look and study the faces of the women around you, you’ll see what I am talking about.
Now, the thing that can stop you from engaging and wallowing in your moods or tantrums is a game, a cause, or a business that’s exciting and worth playing. Also, having friends and activities that bring you joy will relax you and make you feel good about yourself. Girl talk is important and having nurturing friendships with other women will help you to keep your calm in the ups and downs of life.
What’s your experience? I’d love to find out how you have been able to let go of the drama in your life and live with passion and joy.
Namaste,
Karin
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Photo Source: Duncan via Flickr under a Creative Commons License. The picture is called “How to Pout Properly.”
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Do you have days when you wake up already tired?
Yesterday was one of those days for me. I woke up exhausted, heavy and really felt like doing nothing. I dreaded the thought of starting the work I had laid out for the day, so I decided to completely let go and just follow the flow.
Instead of my morning round on the internet I sat down and relaxed. What did I need? What did my body want? Going back to bed? No, it did not seem like sleeping was the right thing to do, so I decided to go to my favorite yoga class, which I knew was happening that morning. It has wonderful. I followed along with the teacher without pushing my body to do more than it wanted to. By the end of the class I was completely relaxed.
After getting home I checked in with my body again. Surprising, I still wanted to rest more! It was the middle of the day and I thought, what the heck, and laid down to sleep deep and sound for almost an hour. When I woke up I felt more relaxed and happier than I had in a long time.
For the rest of the day I kept following what my body told me to do. It was a wonderful experience. I was at ease with myself and the world. Whenever feelings of guilt came up: “Shouldn’t I be doing more? What about my work?” I just acknowledged - and ignored them. This day was for me.
Interesting enough, while I was taking time out, my work seemed to happen all by itself: I got unexpected requests for coaching and an invitation for lunch with one of my favorite clients. I guess sometimes life works better when you just relax and let go.
If you had the whole day to yourself and you could spend it any way you wanted to, what would you do?
Namaste
Karin
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Most things in life happen because we expect them to. You expect to feel a certain way when you wake up in the morning and most likely you will. You anticipate a line at the post office when you go to drop off a letter and, voila, that’s what you’ll get. It’s called habituation.
Every once in a while, however, the pattern is disrupted. All of a sudden things turn out in surprising new ways and for a short moment the veil of your day-to-day routine is lifted. Maybe you overslept and your whole morning unfolds completely different than on other days. Or, … maybe a volcano erupts and the trip you had been looking forward to for weeks is unexpectedly canceled …
While these are all outside influences, there is yet another way of disrupting your expectations and that is through awareness. If you look into your life and realize that most of your activities are run on auto pilot, you can change some things around and create new and astonishing results. To do this you have to
1. Be aware of your expectations. To change what you are expecting you need to be first aware of your habits. Take a look around in your life and realize how your expectations have secretly turned into ironclad facts.
2. Challenge your expectations. With more awareness come new choices. Once you noticed your expectations, challenge them. Maybe you don’t have to wake up in a grumpy mood every morning? Or, maybe there isn’t a long line at the post office.
3. Watch what unfolds. Once you realize how much power you have in shaping your life, you can consciously use it to create more exciting outcomes. Below, I am sharing a story from my own life about how many years ago I realized that I had created a character (my habitual self) that was utterly boring and how I went about to change it:
Most of us take on a personality when we grow up, a way of being that we think will get us through life unharmed and unscathed. In my case, I had convinced myself that I would do best by being responsible, dependable, and a know-it-all (My sister was considered the cute one, so scoring with my good looks was not an option). With this character I had developed a seriousness that had pervaded my whole being over the years.
This didn’t really bother me until I moved to Austin, TX. Boy, were things different here. People were smiling all day long in a BIG way and my serious mood was most unusual. This was especially noticeable every time I went out to go dancing and to have a good time. While other women were asked to dance all night long, very few men approached me and if they did, it was for only one dance.
I was clueless to why this was happening and started to convince myself that men did not like me very much. At some point I talked to one of my girlfriends about it and she simply told me ‘to lighten up and to be a bit more cheerful’. “Well,” I said, “that’s just not who I am.” “Oh, just fake it then,” she replied. I was puzzled. What was she thinking? How could I fake it? Certainly nobody would buy my act. However, next time out on the town, I tried it. While I was sitting there watching the people on the dance floor I put a big (fake) smile on my face. Sure enough, I was soon asked to dance. I kept smiling 
and I was asked over and over again. I was shocked! Men even told me that I was a lot of fun. They went for it? I couldn’t believe it. But, I kept up my act and over time it became more and more natural. I was actually really enjoying myself and realized that being playful was much more of who I am than my old serious self.
I hope this inspires you to try your luck with a new approach to your expectations in life. Let me know how it goes, I’d love to hear your story.
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Related Posts:
Old Habits Die Hard: Self Coaching in Action
The Power of Attention: How to Add More Ease to Your Life
What Lights You Up? Life Coaching in Action
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Photo Source: Nifty via Flicker under a Creative Commons License
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“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.” ~ Herbert Otto
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Coaching yourself is quite different from working with an outside coach. In self coaching you can’t rely on someone else for keeping you on track with your goals and in giving you honest feedback. A new degree of intensity and discipline is added to the process. The outside guide is replaced with an inner guide. Self-awareness and the willingness to take an honest look at yourself are key if you want to come face-to-face with your greatness as well as your weaknesses.
This can be humbling (coming to terms with your shortcomings) as well as terrifying (accepting your brilliance). You won’t be able to fool yourself or blame others for your mistakes any longer: Once you wake up, life will be speaking to you loud and clear.
Accepting yourself for who you are can be daunting. You will realize that you can have anything you want and that the only person keeping you from living your dream is you. With more clarity you’ll get a glimpse of the vibrant being you want to become. That’s also when you start to recognize that you have old habits that are not serving your own best interest. If you want to become a better person, you’ll have to clean up your act. The question is, how?
Below I am sharing three steps that have helped me in finding and changing some of my own set ways. Recognizing and letting go of them is essential in living your life with more honesty and passion.
Step One: Discover
With increased awareness comes increased responsibility. While you learn to coach yourself you will most likely become more sensitive to your environment. You’ll notice the impact you have on other people and the impact they have on you. Let’s say that with becoming more aware you notice that you have a certain way of turning people off. This could be from fear of not being heard, of abandonment, of commitment, or many other reasons. It may lead you to wanting to win other people’s approval, always having to have the last word, the need to be right, etc. You’ll be the judge of how you play the game. Once you recognize your pattern, ask yourself two important questions:
How am I using this habit? And, is it serving my own best interest? Observe yourself closely: What triggers your behavior and how is it played out? If you feel courageous, venture into your past and find out when you started this behavior and what it is protecting. Is it expanding your life or is it costing you health, wealth, and friends? Be really honest with yourself. Once all this has become much clearer, move on to the next step.
Step Two: Accept
Before you can change a habit you have to accept it. What I realized in my own practice is that before I submitted to what I was doing there was a tendency to make excuses, to act as if I had no control, or to ignore it altogether. Once you have gone through all of these detours (take all the time you need) you’ll come to a place of surrender and acceptance. Any way you look at the situation now, you realize that there is no way out other than changing what you are doing. At this point you are ready for step three.
Step Three: Change
Once you accepted responsibility for your behavior, you can let it go. As you may know, old habits die hard and sometimes it seems almost impossible. Believe me, it can be done. What I recommend is to set up a game. Here is how it works:
Tell someone you trust what you have discovered that you want to change it. Now, create a game. For example, I notice my tendency to coach people whether they asked me to or not. I guess it comes with the territory . Once I could no longer ignore my behavior and was ready to adjust it, I told my husband about it. Together we thought of a game. This is what we came up with: For one week, every time I interfered in someone’s life without their permission, I would point it out to them and apologize for it. In addition, I would do 10 push-ups and 10 crunches for each act of unrequested coaching. This may sound silly, but it worked. By the end of the week I had not only gotten stronger arms, I had also learned to catch myself from meddling in other people’s lives.
One tip: When creating the game, make it fun as well as challenging. If the consequences are too low, chances are that you will not put in the effort to make the adjustment.
I hope this helps in creating new opportunities in your life. If you have questions or comments, please let me know in the section below.
__________________
Related Posts:
The Power of Attention: How to Add More Ease to Your Life
What Lights You Up? Life Coaching in Action
__________________
Do you want to find out what lights you up?
Take our ‘What Lights You Up - Questionnaire’
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Photo Source: Butler Corey via Flicker under a Creative Commons License
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