I read an article on Huffington Post the other day that has been bothering me ever since: What’s Happening to Women’s Happiness by Marcus Buckingham. In the article Buckingham argues that women in the Western world are getting increasingly unhappier (he’s using research data from the past 40 years) while men are getting happier.
Now, I don’t know if Buckingham is using this as a clever marketing strategy to sell his book and seminars on personal development, but according to the data of research and surveys conducted across time and countries, the evidence seems to be there.
I also know that if you take a man and a woman and ask them how happy they are, the man will say he is happier than he really is and the woman will do the opposite. That’s part of how differently we approach the world: Women look for causes within themselves when confronted with an issue, while men will look for causes outside of themselves.
So, if you tell a woman that women all over the world are getting unhappier, she will immediately look inside to find evidence for this, while a man will most likely say “Show me” or, “If that’s true, I know it’s not happening to me.”
After mulling the whole thing over in my own head for a few days I have come to this: It’s not up to someone or anyone to just stroll along with a few smart graphs and statistics to tell us how happy or unhappy we are, it’s up to us. It’s time that we take responsibility for our own happiness.
Do I believe that women lose their happiness when they get older? I think that each of us has to answer that for herself. However, there are a few interesting trends that I have observed in working with women that I want to share with you. These are my initial thoughts on the topic and I’d love to hear what your experiences are.
While most men define themselves by their accomplishment, many women have learned to define themselves by their beauty: Can you see the dilemma right here? While a man’s accomplishments increase when he gets older, a woman’s beauty fades, or let’s say, changes with age.
I think women have a natural affinity for beauty. We like to make things beautiful, look beautiful, help others to look beautiful, etc. Unfortunately, the media, advertising agencies and the fashion industry are ruthlessly taking advantage of this love for beauty by putting it in a competitive context: I received a mailing the other day selling rejuvenation treatments with slogans like ‘Stay Young & Competitive’, ‘Conquer the Competition’ and ‘Move up to Management’.
This obsession with looking young has lead many women to neglect their inner beauty. While looking good on the outside can be a lot of fun, it is devastating if it’s all there is. It will keep us from looking within to find out what it is we deeply love about ourselves: Our gifts, our values and our unique female strengths. Because deep down we all know, there is nothing more attractive than a woman who knows her values and is kind, passionate, and, happy in her own skin.
Another trend I have observed is the lack of community among women: Women relax by communicating with other women (as shown in a landmark UCLA study on friendship among women). Have you ever listened to a group of women happily talking among themselves, laughing, giggling and having a good time? It’s delightful! It’s like listening to the joyful cheers of happy kids playing on the playground.
Women listen in a way that is nurturing and receptive. We comfort each other by telling stories, by laughing, crying and having a community of likeminded friends. A lot of times this is missing in our day-to-day lives and while we are getting more accomplished in our careers, and more competitive with each other, we also lose our connections.
This brings up another point, competition, and how it is hurting women: Competition among women is not in our nature, yet it is something we are doing in all areas of life. For men, competing is part of the game and they do it often and for fun. I overheard two little boys at the beach the other day talking to each other while munching on some sandwiches: “Did you know that Michael Jackson died?” asked one the other. “Yes, I found out the minute he died,” was the response. “And I found out the second he died!”
For women, competing does not come as natural. We like to tell stories and share experiences. When we compete we separate ourselves from other women which leads to isolation, not only in business but also in our private lives. If we start collaborating more, we will be able to build strong connections and help each other in getting what we want.
Maybe it’s time we get more courageous about adapting the existing rules to what we need to be happy. Maybe working hard and being competitive is fun for men, while for women taking breaks, having time to relax and talking to other women is what helps us to recharge our batteries.
How about you? Would your life change if you put happiness first? Dare to try out what works for you and put it into action.
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Do you want to find out what lights you up? Take our ‘What Lights You Up - Questionnaire’
Photo Source: Flowereye via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
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I was reminded of Michael Gerber’s new book, the E-Myth Enterprise when I was out shopping this morning and receiving the cold shoulder treatment in almost every store I visited:
Uninspiring environment = unhappy employees = bad customer service = unhappy customers (who spread the unhappiness among family and friends…)
In his book Gerber says:
“Service is an incomplete word because it says, “The customer is king!” But as it works out in real life, the customer isn’t king except in the mind of the customer.
To the employees, the customer isn’t king; he’s often a pain in the ass. To the suppliers, the customer isn’t queen; she’s often a problem waiting to happen. To the lenders, the customer isn’t king; he’s often a drunk hanging on to a wagon careening into a wall.
No, the customer isn’t king to them - they are!
“If the customer is king,” they all ask privately, deep in the hidden recesses of their longing hearts, “what about me?” That’s what everybody else is asking too: “What about me?”
There can be no such thing as effective customer service in a company where the employees are disenchanted, where the owners aren’t making a decent profit, where the suppliers aren’t getting paid on time.
How true. If we are in business for some self serving reason, if we don’t love what we do, if we don’t love our product, our customers, our employees, our team members, etc. our business can’t be successful. Our dissatisfaction will leak out into what we do, what we touch, and it will be reflected in our product, our language, and our service.
However, it is a delicate balance. If we love our product more than our customers, they will feel left out. If we care more about our customers than our business, it will stall. If it’s all about us, well, then, nothing will work.
Yet, most business operate from exactly that premise: ‘what’s in it for me’. Most people are going into business for some ulterior motive: Making a lot of money, building an empire, being famous, successful, etc. It’s a paradox because of course you want to make money, be successful, build an empire. Why not? However, it’s what happens from you loving what you do. Not the other way around.
See, business is not just something you do to make money, or you go into because you are following your calling. You can’t separate business from life, it is your life!
To say it in Michael Gerber’s words:
“To most people, business is what goes on around us while we get on with our lives, something being done “out there” - at most a commercial enterprise, a place to make money, a place to go to work, a place to buy things, or a place that makes things we buy.
Few people seem to understand that business is much more than these individual factors.
In a free market system, business isn’t what goes on around us while we get on with our lives. Business is our lives. Business is what we do, all we do, who we are. Business is a living thing.”
Let me know what your thoughts are on the topic!
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I believe a lot of pain comes from not having enough time to re-balance or recharge your batteries so your system operates on its optimum level of aliveness.
People and their emotions have an effect on us all the time. Whether you are working in an office, sitting in a coffee house or visiting with friends, you’ll be impacted by other people’s energies. There is nothing wrong with this, we all operate on different frequencies. Some people resonate on a faster level, others on a slower one, some people are more excited, aggravated, happy, or tired than others. Although we can’t see these emotional interferences, our bodies will sense them.
Have you ever experienced how talking to someone who is upset can change your own mood? Or, how the visit of a best friend can uplift an otherwise crummy day? We share our invisible states of aliveness all the time. In the most radical situations, this can cause actual pain (stomach ache, head ache, cramps, etc.). In most cases, however, it shows up as a little interference similar to a radio channel that is not set to the right frequency.
What most of us don’t realize, is, that these interferences can be stressful and that we need down time to be able to relax back into who we are. The more sensitive your system is, the more time to re-balance you will need. Unfortunately, often we don’t honor this and avoid situations and environments that help us to re-vitalize. Returning to your natural state and operating on your optimum energy level is vital to you happiness and well-being.
Here are some effective ways to clean your system from outside stimulation and irritations:
Be aware and sensitive to your environment: Pay attention to the impact things and people have on you. If busy places overwhelm you, take them in little doses. If too much talking tires you out, be quiet and observe instead. Also, notice the impact other people have on you. Some people may have a soothing quality while others cause irritation.
Take showers, hot baths, or swim in open water: Water not only cleanses away dirt, it also helps to wash off emotional ‘residue’. Do you know the feeling of getting under the shower after a long flight? While we clean ourselves from the actual dirt, we also relax and wash off all the ’stuff’ we picked up from the people around us. If you live near the ocean or have a pool at home you probably know the calming quality of relaxing and floating in open water. Or, the wonderful feeling of soaking in a hot bath tub after a long day at the office.
Exercise your body: The right type of exercise will calm your body and quiet your mind. For me this almost always does the trick. It’s funny but in order to relax and connect back with myself, tiring out my muscles is a great help.
Watch a good movie: Movies are a great way to release emotional stress. Have you ever been to a sad movie and cried your eyes out just to find yourself more relaxed and calm afterward? Or, if you had a really disappointing day, watching a high impact movie can get you back on your feet and energized.
Make time for yourself: Most importantly, make time for yourself and do the things you love. By wearing yourself out you make yourself more susceptible to outside influences. Taking time to read a great magazine, having a glass of wine, taking a walk in nature, or just relaxing in a quiet and beautiful place are luxuries you can’t go without. Maybe for you it is singing, dancing, praying, meditating, rock-climbing, or shopping. Whatever does the trick, do it!
I hope you can put this information to good use. Let me know what you experience and what it is that helps you to stay in tune with yourself.
To find yourself you have to lose yourself in something you love. -Martin Sage
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Want to find out what your natural gifts are: Take our “What Lights You Up - Life Questionnaire”
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| October 8, 2009 10:00 am | to | November 12, 2009 10:00 am |
I am excited to present my new group coaching event! In Only 6 Weeks You’ll Find Out What Your True Gifts Are!
WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP?
Powered by Karin Manske
Find Your Life Treasure, Discover Your Gifts, And Start Living Your Dream!
Are you spending your life the way you are meant to?
Do you wake up each morning excited to get to work, doing what you love?
Or, are you still waiting and hoping for someone to magically show up and tell you how to be happy?
If so, you are not alone!
I DECLARE IT’S TIME YOU GO ON A TREASURE HUNT!
Did you know that you have unique ‘birth’ gifts that set you apart from everybody else in this world?
Are you aware that these very special qualities make up your passion and that discovering them is essential in finding your happiness?
And, even if you don’t know ‘what lights you up’ right now, your gifts are there, ready to be found.
So, let’s go on a treasure hunt … and find those hidden gems, polish them so they can shine your light in the world and bring happiness to you and the people around you!
What? You don’t have time? You are too busy taking your kids to school, putting food on the table and making sure everybody else is taken care off?
And yet, deep down you know that the people you love can’t be happy unless you relax and find your true gift in life.
How do I know? Because I have been there …
I used to be one of the most incredible overachieving moms you can imagine! I lived in an ‘organic’ home, cooked the healthiest meals, took my kids to school on my bike (so we would not pollute the environment), I grew my own organic vegetables, knitted sweaters, made pottery, and baked our own whole grain bread.
The only thing I did not take care of was myself. I was miserable. I did not know that gardening and baking was not my gift, and without noticing I grew harder and angrier and more bitter every day. I simply got my life purpose wrong. Until one day, one of my friends said something. And that’s how my journey started that led me to where I am now …
You can do this, too!
Your gifts are there, waiting to be brought to life! Once you find them you can finally move through life with happiness, confidence and zest. Life becomes fun again … and inspiring!
Stop Doing The Things That Kill Your Aliveness!
Knowing what lights you up can mean the difference between dreading to get out of bed every day to go to a 9-5 job, and rising every morning with a fire in your belly, full of happiness and eager to get to work.
It can mean the difference between modeling a life of passion and joy to your kids … or one of responsible drudgery that slowly kills your soul.
If You Are Finished With Living a Humdrum Existence And Are Ready to Let Your Unique Greatness Shine, This Workshop Is For You!
It is no accident that you have landed here - grab the opportunity and join me for this one-of-a-kind “What Lights You Up” experience and let me help you put the juice back into your life, once and for all!
Click here to find out more about the “What Lights You Up” coaching event. Or, if you want to explore a bit more and take our “What Lights You Up” questionnaire, go here. After finishing it, you are able to qualify for a complementary life coaching sessions.
If you have questions, please send me a note. I am excited to serve and would love to be able to help you in discovering your unique gifts so you can live the life you are truly meant to live!
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Most people are unhappy with themselves. They are unhappy with their unfulfilled lives, un-nurturing relationships, their dissatisfying jobs. It’s an unhappiness that comes from deep within, from living a life that is basically untrue. People tell me that they don’t know who they are, what their passion is, or how to find meaning in their daily lives.
Yet, the answers to your most essential questions are hidden inside of you. You won’t be able to find them anywhere else. Whatever you see around you is only a reflection of who you are.
The first step in finding your own gifts is to accept where you are now. There is nothing wrong with not knowing, with being confused or even unhappy. Just know that it does not have to stay this way. Next, be brave, explore! Ask yourself some basic questions: If you could do anything and live any way you wanted to, what would you do? What do you yearn for, what are your deepest desires? Who do you really want to be?
If you sense fear creeping in right about now, and if your heart starts beating just a little bit faster, that’s alright. It’s a sign that you are alive and that deep down, you know who you are. You might just be afraid to admit it to yourself.
In his wonderful book “The Alchemist”, Paulo Coelho tells the story of a shepherd boy who leaves his country and his sheep in search for his personal legend. The journey takes him to a distant country and confronts him with many adventures. He discovers his strengths and learns to listen to his heart and when he finally finds his treasure he discovers that it was hidden right where he had started his search: back home with his sheep. While his treasure had been there all along, by looking for it he had found himself.
You may find that the same is true when you start looking for your own greatness: Your gift, your treasure, is already there. To see it you have to let go of your fantasies, the fairy tales and your illusions. It is the ultimate adventure, filled with paradox and mystery. In the end you’ll discover exactly what you have been looking for, however it will be much sweeter, deeper and much richer in experience than you could have ever imagined.
Enjoy the journey. You will make mistakes, fall down, and learn, but you can’t fail. Nobody can take away from you what’s essentially yours, yet nobody can find it for you, either.
Photo Source: Doug88888 via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
If you want to find out more about your unique gifts, take my new ‘What Lights You Up - Life Questionnaire’ and qualify for a free coaching session.
To your dream life!
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