“Life expands in direct proportion to one’s courage.” Anaïs Nin.
Fear comes in many forms and the physical sensation is easy to recognize: Your legs starting to shake when standing at the edge of a cliff, or your hands getting sweaty and your mouth dry before delivering an important speech. There is also a more subtle form of fear that’s a voice in your head or a story, which is much harder to identify.
If your fear had a voice, what would it say?
Typically fear doesn’t just show up and say, I am scared. That would be easy. A lot of times it comes in the form of a story and often one that soothes you and makes you feel comfortable. For example it can be a voice that tries to convince you that moving forward and facing changes in your life is really not that important.
Whatever your biggest fear, most often it is also your biggest desire. In coaching, whenever someone tells me what it is they really don’t want (I hate getting up in front of people, I am not a good singer, I am a really quite person, etc.), my curiosity is peaked and I’ll dare them. Sure enough, when talking about the topic, more often than not it’s exactly what brings them alive and where their real desire is hidden.
Below I am listing a few ’sound bites’ of fear. Feel free to add your own. Once you know your fear’s voice, you can stop listening to it. Good luck and let me know your thoughts on the topic.
Fear in Business:
This has to be perfect before I can get it out.
I don’t like my job but it’s better than not having one.
I don’t need a whole lot of money.
I have to have a really good business plan before I can start my own venture.
Somebody else who is much smarter should do this.
Good clients are hard to find.
Money really is not that important to me.
I am not sure that I can do this.
I don’t deserve it.
I need a partner if I really want to be successful.
Who am I to have a big business?
My job is not that challenging anymore but I am happy about the regular paycheck.
Fear in Relationships:
It’s hard to find a good man / woman.
The only thing women are interested in is money.
The only thing men want is sex.
First I have to lose weight and then I can have a relationship.
I don’t think there is the right person out there for me.
If I ask for what I want in my relationship, it will fall apart.
It’s not worth the trouble.
Having kids is too much work.
If I end this relationship I may never find a good partner again.
I am not good looking enough to deserve a great man / woman.
Fear in Life:
I don’t have many friends and that’s OK.
I rather don’t stir up any trouble.
I can’t afford it.
If I don’t do what others expect of me I will end up all alone.
My life is nice and quiet.
I think my life will be much easier once I …
If I say what I really think nobody will like me.
Related Post:
What to Do When Fear Overwhelms You
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“Hysteria is the dominant theme of our society today.” Deepak Chopra
“People are afraid of change and yet the fact is that change is the most dominant theme of our civilization: We have more change in one day than we have in centuries in previous times. People find that this rapid change leads to unpredictability in their lives and this lack of predictability, lack of control, lack of outlets for frustration leads to the anxiety and the angst that you see in our culture today.”
Change creates anxiety and anxiety creates the urge for more control. And yet, trying to keep up is impossible. Did you know that information is doubling at the rate of 100% every two months? Embracing change and letting go is the only way forward.
Since most people are deeply disconnected from their source, this creates unbearable amounts of fear and pain. We are worried sick to lose the very job we hate and quickly follow every hype and scheme that promises relief.
Knowing who you are is key. It leads to a sense of deep trustworthiness and creates the ease and purpose that you need to relax in this world of paradox and complexity.
If you can embrace the fact that you don’t have the answers and that most of what you know is not what’s really going on, you can find a way out. Forget about doing the right thing, don’t worry about being wrong. Do what makes you happy: The one thing that sets you apart and that you do better than anybody else.
The beauty is, there is not one way, one answer, or one road to take. You can create anything, any way you want to. The only requirement is that it makes you happy and that in the long run it will create an income. If it inspires you, it will attract others as well.
It takes courage to leave the beaten path and to follow your own truth. The internet can help you in creating new and innovative business models. Be careful not to get pulled into every hype and stay true to what lights you up. Some of the new online models are still practiced with old business tactics of fear and competition. If this gets you fired up, it’s great. If not, don’t worry, you’ll find what works for you.
Fortunately there are more and more shining lights out there showing what’s possible. Chris Brogan is one of my favorites, his complete sense of service and dedication to his ‘tribe’ being nothing but astounding. Pam Slim is another great example of someone who has found her own voice. I am sure you have your own inspirational role models.
What works for you is you. The thing that turns you on, that brings you joy, and that lets your unique intelligence shine. You are the star. Trust what you love.
I’d love to find out what your thoughts are on the matter.
Rock on!
Related Posts:
Want to Find Your Passion? Two Exercises
What Lights You Up - Coaching Show
Not Sure What to Do With Your Life? Follow Your Light
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Most people are really good at getting everything they never wanted. In coaching, that’s one of the issues we deal with: Clients come to us because they feel lost about what makes them happy and what it is they want from life. Or, if they know what it is, they are not sure how to pursue it.
Isn’t it ironic? We are all pretty smart when it comes to our day-to-day activities, we understand complicated issues, we deal with advanced technologies, handle many projects at the same time, and keep up with the latest information. Why, then, is it so hard to find out what we want and get it? The answer lies in us believing in our own misleading thoughts and good ideas of how things should be.
I had that experience recently. It somehow got into my head that I should take my business in a certain direction. I talked to people about it and they agreed. “That sounds great, it’s what everybody is doing these days! You should talk to such and such, he is an expert in that field, etc.” I followed down that path and ended up frustrated and confused. What seemed to work well for others did not work for me at all. While the experience was exhausting (not to mention expensive), it opened my eyes to the fact that not only is it hard for ourselves to find out what we want, others don’t know how to help us in getting on the right track, either.
So, what to do? One of the secrets I use in coaching is that I don’t listen people. Words are deceptive and most stories are not true. We are all very good at lying to ourselves and to others: “How are you?’ “Oh, I am fine, just fine.” Have you ever been on a subway train going from Manhattan to Queens at 5 or 6 o’clock in the afternoon? Take a good look around and you’ll see how fine everybody really is. We are also good at pursuing things that don’t light us up, just because they seem such good ideas (as with my business).
Instead of listening to a person’s story, listen to their aliveness, to what makes them expand and glow. If the eyes are the window to the soul, paying attention to what lights someone up will tell you what that person’s desire is. Try it out, it’s really fun. Next time you talk to someone, pay attention to what makes them sparkle and when you see it, tell them. If nothing seems to have much energy, change the topic and ask some questions that get them fired up. It’s like the warm and cold game we play as kids. Follow the aliveness, the topics that have most juice and don’t engage in conversations that drag you down.
Let me know how that’s working for you and how I can be of help. If we all learn how to read people better, the world will be a much happier place and more of us will get our true needs met.
Also, if you happen to run into me and I start telling you how hard coaching is and that I am thinking about becoming a novelist, don’t believe me!
Photo Source: Striatic via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
Are you curious to find out more about cutting edge coaching skills? Stay tuned for The Art of Reading People, a two-day seminar I am planning for September!
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Babies are full of light. Their whole being is brimming with aliveness, eyes shining with wonder, hearts filled with love.
As babies, we follow our curiosity to explore the world around us. We may fall asleep on the floor regardless whether it is time for a nap or not. We don’t get bored or worried about our future, we just are.
So, what happens? How exactly do we lose our light and that insatiable zest for life? In the following, I am going to describe the steps most of us go through while growing up.
How We Learn to Shut Down
Babies know no boundaries. They are full of life and ready to explore the world around them at full force. If you ever had a toddler flip out at the checkout counter because she did not get what she wanted, you know what I mean! Kids don’t know the rules.
Between the ages of 1-2 the one word a toddler hears the most is ‘no’: No, don’t climb on the counter, don’t open the door, you can’t put that in your mouth, and don’t make a mess with your food.
Rules are important, don’t get me wrong. The tricky part is that while we learn them we lose a little bit of our juice. The magic starts to fade.
We learn to behave, we start to fit in. Soon we find out that loving everybody unconditionally can hurt when people don’t love you back. So, we close off our hearts just a little and love becomes conditional. Going to school is a whole new experience. All of a sudden we have to sit still and find answers to problems. We would much rather run around and experience the world with our senses but now we get conditioned to see the world through our mind. We learn quickly. Knowing the right answer gets rewarded so we get really good at finding out what the teacher wants us to know.
We also learn how to compete. Who has the better grades, who’s the strongest, the fastest, the prettiest, etc. Instead of playing together we start playing against each other. And instead of thinking with curiosity, we learn to think in a linear way: Solutions to problems, answers to questions. And on it goes.
During puberty we don’t ask the really interesting questions because people tend to act just a bit strange when we do. There seems to be something weird about sexuality. So, we shut down our passion and hold back our love.
Finally, around the time we leave school or college, life flips upside down and we enter the world of worries, fear and scarcity. Our strong trust, that everything will turn out well and that life is meant to be enjoyed and savored, vanishes. All of a sudden, we feel scared. What if things don’t turn out? What if we can’t find a job, don’t make enough money, etc?
From that moment on we start to make decisions based on fear rather than trust and life becomes a struggle. We compromise and in the process we become someone we are not.
You Are Not Who You Think You Are
Unless you are brought up in an environment that allows you to explore and to follow your innate curiosity, you will by and by turn into the person you think you should be, someone your environment will approve off. You start bending your character a little, you withhold your passion, tell others what they want to hear, and in general lose sight of who you are and what your unique purpose in life really is.
For the most part, that is how it goes. It is nobody’s fault, it’s how the system is set up. The good news is that in the last few decades things have started to change. More and more people are now designing life styles and businesses that bring out the best in everyone. Collaboration is replacing competition and play is the new work.
Finding out what lights you up and what you are passionate about is an important step on the way.
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Guest post by Isabel Parlett, owner of Parlance Training.
Every entrepreneur needs a coach. An ambitious athlete wouldn’t dream of going into competition without one. If you take your success (and your well-being) seriously, you’ll want the competitive edge that a skilled coach can give. Whether your business is brand-new, struggling, or thriving, you can probably get more profit and more pleasure with the help of a coach.
What is a coach? A coach is someone with whom you work on an on-going basis whose sole purpose is to support you in doing and being your best. Think of a coach as a personal trainer for your life. By helping you set goals, challenging you to take action, reviewing results, and introducing new concepts and approaches, a coach helps you to produce better results with less effort. Unlike many consultants, a coach stays with you week to week, month to month, and even year to year as you and your business grow. Your coach will become an expert on you and on what you need to be at your best. If you’re an entrepreneur, a coach will also guide you as you set up a strategic business plan, align your business goals with your personal values, eliminate distractions, and plug up profit holes.
The truth is everyone can benefit from coaching. But for the entrepreneur that support is especially crucial. Why?
1. Running a business is risky.
Every year thousands of small businesses fold. As an entrepreneur, you’ll need every advantage to make your business successful and satisfying. By bringing in an objective adviser, who stays with you as you implement new ideas and plans, you tap into a broader range of resources for creating success. A coach will bring her own background and expertise to the table, as well as her experience working with other entrepreneurs. Often, the small shifts that a coach will suggest will have a dramatic impact on how you and your business function. Or a coach may challenge you to dramatic action like doubling your profits, or delegating 50% of your work load.
2. Being an entrepreneur can be lonely.
Entrepreneurs and especially those who work solo, can suffer from a sense of isolation. Sitting at home, or in your office, you may miss the camaraderie that larger offices provide. You may lack that feeling of being part of some bigger project. Even if you work with others in your business, the burden of decision-making may fall on your shoulders alone. A coach is there as a partner and cheerleader to share in the successes and setbacks of your business. A good coach will make you feel that you are not in it all alone. Though your business decisions will continue to be yours, a coach will be there to discuss the issues and to give you new perspectives for making the call. A coach will also make sure that your work life is balanced with personal pleasures such as private time, family time, and vacations.
3. Running your own business is labor intensive.
Many entrepreneurs feel that the only way to build a successful business is to work 18 hours a day, seven days a week. Actually, it is easier to sustain the growth of your business if you take excellent care of your most precious asset, yourself. The short term benefits of a killer schedule are often not worth the long term cost of stress and burnout. In addition, you become far less attractive to potential clients and associates when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. A coach will require that you put your well-being first, make time for friends and family, and redesign your business so that it doesn’t drain you.
4. It’s easy to lose sight of the big picture while taking care of the details.
Running your own business, your day may consist of everything from buying stamps, to making calls, to designing a brochure, to keeping your office clean. Even if you have an assistant, you are a jack-of-all-trades, rapidly changing hats to serve all the needs of the business. With so many roles to play, it’s easy to get so focused on details and lose sight of the big picture. By designing and discussing that big picture with your coach, and revisiting those objectives each week, you stay on track with the actions that most contribute to the long-term growth of your business rather than get tied up managing its day-to-day functioning.
Are these challenges that you face? If so, starting a coaching relationship can be the first step to redesigning your relationship to your work. Though some people get effective support from a partner, friend of family member, many find that a professional coach offers the right combination of objectivity, encouragement and challenge. In either case, the key to a successful coaching relationship is to have regular meetings, on an on-going basis, where you are the sole focus for at least half an hour. It’s also important that you trust your coach to be objective, to support you with your agenda, and to communicate ideas in a way that has you hear them. Any relationship that has you feel defensive, pressured to agree, or overloaded with “should’s” is not going to work.
If you want to explore coaching further, call a coach or two and schedule an introductory appointment. Most coaches are happy to do an initial consultation free of charge. Those sessions will give you a clear sense of what coaching can add to your business and allow you to experience that coach’s personal style. Speak to several. Different coaches have very different energies, philosophies, and styles. Look for someone with whom you feel a sense of connection and by whom you feel challenged. Take time to ask if the coach is herself being coached. A coach who is truly committed to the process will herself be using coaching to get the most out of her life and work. Becoming successful in your business is your ultimate goal. Isn’t it intriguing to think how much more you could achieve by having a Coach?
Isabel Parlett is a business communication expert known for helping innovative business owners put words to what moves them. You can get free resources on communicating with more passion and power at www.parlancetraining.com
What is your experience? Have you worked with a coach and how has that impacted your business or life? I’d love to hear from you on the topic. ~Karin
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