There is a fine balance between having your own life and being in a relationship. Keeping this balance is essential! Not only for the success of your partnership but also for your happiness, your self confidence and your self respect.
Some women go from happily independent on their own to clingy, moody, jealous and insecure beings when entering a relationship. While this can happen to all of us every once in a while, giving up your life for the sake of your relationship rarely works in the long run.
It sounds like a paradox, but if you want your relationship to last, you need to keep a life or your own. Below are a few tips that I have found essential in striking the balance:
Stay in touch with your girlfriends. Many women give up their friendships when they find a man. This is not healthy. For women, talking to our girlfriends is how we relax and release stress. Men don’t listen to us the same way women do. Staying in touch with your girlfriends will help you to keep your relationship healthy. A landmark UCLA study on friendship among women has shown that women need to have unpressured space in which they can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.
Make time for the things that bring you joy. Whether it is reading, painting, exercising (which I firmly believe we should ALL do regularly), or playing with your kids, keep it up. It is easy to compromise and give up on some of the things you love doing but in the end it is not going to serve you or the people close to you. Keep up the activities that bring you joy, no excuses!
Have projects of your own. If you don’t already have a business or a project of your own, start one! You have a specific gift, something you love doing. Having a project that is fun and makes money will bring you great satisfaction and fulfillment! And it will take your attention off of your relationship and your partner, which can be a good thing.
Have alone time. In my own life, if I don’t have time by myself to relax and to recharge my batteries, I get cranky. And when I am cranky, I am no fun! Take some time off to go shopping, take a book and read in a beautiful place, go on a walk, or explore a new restaurant, all on your own. You will be surprised how much better you feel when you get back.
Have your own space. Women are creatures of pleasure and we love to indulge in ceremonies that make us more wonderful. I don’t know about you, but I need time and privacy to get ready for romance, love and just about everything else in life! Whether it is your own private room, your own bathroom or your bedroom, make sure you have a space that belongs just to you!
I hope this is giving you some ideas on how to stay happy and strong in your relationship. If you have more tips, please post them in your comments so we can all learn from them.
Relationships are what matters most in life. The quality of our connections determines our level of happiness.
Unfortunately, all too often we turn away from each other when what we really want is getting closer.
This happens not only in relationships but in almost all aspects of life. People make decisions based on fear and misconceptions and as a result pull away and disconnect from the very things they want.
Nowhere is this as evident as in relationships. I firmly believe that what people want most is to be together. We want to be loved, cherished, understood and appreciated. Yet, much too often we are separated by misunderstandings and conflicts that eat away at our intimacy.
In her article “A Couples Therapist Screws Up”, Darby Saxbe talks about her experience when she tried to have her way in her relationship. She went from pushing and pulling, trying to get her way by telling her boyfriend what to do, to learning how to put down her weapons, lean in and collaborate. If you want to find out how she did this, you can find the full article here.
As with everything we want to become good at, we need to study, learn, practice and make mistakes to master it. Relationships are no exception. Maybe we expect that we should just know how to do it. Sadly, we don’t! There aren’t many couples who are just naturally good at having wonderful partnerships. The good news is that it is absolutely possible to have great intimacy and harmonious relationships if we put our minds to it. Isn’t this a goal worth while reaching for?
Want to learn more on the subject? Join me and my good friend Dr. Michael Giammatteo for a Couples and Singles Relationship Discovery Series “She Said & He Heard”, in Palm Springs, CA on March 7, 2009.
One of my friends got married. After having been single for 20 something years, she got married at age 68. She was glowing and radiant with love and excitement!
“I was perfectly happy being single,” she said. “But I could tell that I was getting really stuck in my ways. I was not growing any more. Now my life is much more challenging and downright painful at times. Can you imagine, after 23 years of being on my own, I have some very strong beliefs and habits! This is really good for me.”
This was not what I expected! Aren’t we getting into a relationship to live happily ever after? Or at least to do the best we can to live together in harmony and avoid pain and conflict at all cost? How can challenging be ‘good’?
I have been thinking about my friends words ever since. What if we got it all wrong? Are our high expectations and the pressure to do it ‘right’ the reason, why so many relationships fail?
My friends approach seemed to make some sense. Why not enter a relationship with the understanding that we are different (which we are), that it may get painful at times (which it will) and that being with another person will challenge us out of our wits? One of my mentors once said “Relationships are the fastest way to enlightenment.” I did not understand what she meant at the time but now I am beginning to see that our relationships really do provide us with the opportunity to become more human and better than we are on our own.
Wouldn’t it take away a lot of the pressures if we went into a relationship with that awareness, with our eyes wide open rather than wide shut? What if happily ever after means embracing the differences, accepting the challenges and loving the expansion a relationship brings to our lives?
What are your thoughts? I came up with a few points below that can put some of our unrealistic expectations to rest:
Living with another person will make our life more complex (not easier).
Men and women are different and misunderstandings will arise.
We may not be born knowing how to have a great relationship but we can learn it.
There will be pain at times and it can be a good thing.
There will be bliss at times that make us forget all the challenges.
If you and your partner don’t have moments of togetherness and harmony you are most likely not a good match.
I believe there is more than one soul mate.
Living a blissfully happy life is hard work
What is your experience? Why are you (or not) in a relationship? As always, I’d love to hear your insights and thoughts on the topic!
In today’s world changes happen so fast that its hard to keep up! The old way of doing business is crashing, new games are being established, new rules apply and if we are trying to understand them with our old thinking and communication habits we are not going to be very effective.
How can we adapt to the changes that are happening all around us? If the way we live and the way we do business is being redesigned, what new skills do we need to develop?
Today I want to offer one new approach that will help you in dealing with the changes at hand: Start lighting people up!
The world of ‘right or wrong’, dominated by the belief in scarcity and competition, is changing into a world of collaboration. Instead of fighting for money, we play together to make money and instead of looking for problems, we create unlimited possibilities by serving each other.
The old way: When talking to others, we try to make a point. We want the other person to agree with what we have to say. We want to be understood, we want to be heard, and ultimately we want to be right. If the other person does not agree with us, we feel misunderstood, hurt, disappointed, even angry at times.
Now, try a different approach. What, if the sole reason for your communication was to ‘light someone up’? Now it does not matter if you are right or not, all of a sudden there is a shift from convincing someone of your opinion to serving them and letting them have their way. Just try this on and play around with it. Next time you talk to another person, shift your focus from yourself to them. Who are they? What are they interested in and what would inspire them?
If you start inviting others to play by accepting them and their point of view, unlimited new opportunities and possibilities will open up for you and others to play together!
“I just want to be wonderful.” -Marilyn Monroe
