“The reality you experience is a mirror image of your expectations.” -Deepak Chopra
One of my very good friends shared with me a story from his life one day. He told me that there had been a time when nothing seemed to work out for him. He had gone from job to job, getting more bitter and angry and blaming everything and everybody for his bad luck in life. Deep down he had given up and did not expect anything but misery to come his way. He did not know how to turn things around.
He told me that it took a dramatic event, the passing away of a good friend, to wake him up. At that point he realized how fragile life was and how he was squandering it away. “I started to look inside’, he said, “And what I saw was not pretty. Here I was, whining and complaining when I really had no reason to. It was then that I understood how my attitude was shaping every aspect of who I was.” My friend slowly started to make changes and learned to appreciate the things around him with a new intensity. He developed gratitude for what he had and took responsibility for what he wanted. “Today I have an amazing life and I am making things happen that I never thought I could!”
You don’t need a dramatic event to turn your life around. What it takes, however, is a heightened sense of awareness, a positive attitude and the willingness to take responsibility. Many people have shared this in books, articles and talks: Living a great life is NOT a secret! If you learn, practice and master specific skills, you can make all the money you want, fulfill your deepest desires and live a wonderful life.
What does it take? For one thing it takes a great attitude and that’s what I want to share with you today. Time and again I have seen people miss out on opportunities all around them because they are unaware of how they come across to others.
How do you develop a positive attitude?
- Take an honest inventory. Before you can adjust your attitude you need to find out what it is. What is your overall ‘tone’ in life? Are you tired, disappointed, happy, excited, pressured, angry, or sad most of the time? Observe yourself as objectively as you can: How do you think about events, how do you think about people? Do you secretly judge others, are you overly critical, do you get jealous, do you lie? I know this can be hard, so remember, it’s just an exercise! If you like, you can start a journal and record your observations.
If you are courageous, ask others for feedback:How do they see you and how do you come across to them? Make sure to ask the people who can give an objective answer. Somebody who holds a grudge against you is not a good candidate.
Another interesting activity is the so-called mirror exercise. Stand in front of a mirror and relax your face. Let go of all your social expressions and look at your face as objectively as you can. What do you see? What does your face communicate? Is it happy, bright and curious? Or is it tired, angry and disappointed? What do you notice? Again, write down your observations.
- Accept yourself. After you did your inventory, take some time for reflection. Pick a peaceful environment where you are undisturbed and review what you have found out about yourself. Really take a good look: What are your flaws, your weaknesses, your disappointments, your fears, your resentments, your unfulfilled desires and needs? Allow yourself to experience the depth of your sensations. Notice the emotions that are coming up, the thoughts, the judgments, the fears, the need for control. It’s all right. You are all right! Just observe, relax, and let go. Whatever you feel, it is all right, just let it go.
Take your time for this. Whatever wants to come up, let it come up. If you want to cry, cry, if you want to laugh, laugh. Accept your life for what it is. There is no right or wrong. There is nothing you have to do different, there is nothing you have to do better. Everything is perfect the way it is. You are perfect the way you are. And so is everybody else.
There will be a point when all the pressures have come off and you feel completely relaxed and renewed. Now the exercise is complete and you are ready to move on.
- Practice positive behavior. After you did your inventory and let go of your pent up emotions, you can put your observations to practice. Observe yourself in action. Watch out for negative ways of thinking and communicating. For example, if you notice that you have an opinion about someone, catch yourself and find something you can acknowledge about that person. Or, if you are getting upset with your child, take some time out or take a deep breath and relax. Find a positive way of communicating with your kid rather than getting angry.
Practicing positive behavior takes a lot of self discipline! I personally believe it is something everybody has to do at all times. Bad habits are sneaky and it takes constant vigilance and awareness to steer clear of them.
- Model after someone. Do you know someone who’s attitude towards life you admire? Model after them. At the beginning this can help you in adopting a new outlook on life and over time you will create your very own and unique way of interacting in the world.
- Practice, practice, practice. In his new book ‘Outliers’, Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Take all the time you need and be patient with yourself. Maybe some days you are on top and things are going smooth and easy and on other days nothing seems to work. This is perfectly normal, it happens to ALL of us. The only thing that will make the difference is, if you keep going!
There are many more things you can do to develop a great attitude and I wish you all the best on your way. Please let me know your insights, thoughts and experiences!
Books:
“Think And Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill
Do you know other great books to add to the list? Please send me your recommendations, I’d love to find out about them!
Tweet This Post 
Facebook
Is getting fit this year one of your resolutions for 2009? Do you wish you did more exercise but somehow it always slips through the cracks? Then you may want to join me for 365 in 365!
My good friends and fabulous business coaches Mattison Grey of Greystone Guides and Jonathan Manske created this program out of a radio show they hosted “The Top 5 Reasons Why People Do Not Achieve Their Goals” (The radio show is archived at here, it is the January 22 show). According to Mattison, one of the reasons people don’t achieve their goals is that they set the goals too small!
That said (and walking the talk 
), Mattison shared a big, huge goal she had just set for herself: To exercise for 365 days in a row - no ifs, ands, buts or excuses! Jonathan joined in and the program was started!
Since then it has grown. Other people joined in and a team was created. Do you want to play, too? It’s easy. You design your own exercise program, you exercise every day and you report your results on a blog and check in with the other players. It’s a lot of fun! If you want to play, please send me an email at karin.at.karinmanske.dot.com and tell me that you ‘are in’.
To your ‘fitness’ success!
Karin
Tweet This Post Facebook
Relationships are complex and I would be lying if I said it is not so. There are times when it seems almost impossible to ever make them work, and then there are those moments when being with our partner is the most amazing thing in the world! There is unity and friendship, harmony, love and intimacy and we can’t get enough of it.
I believe it is this experience of togetherness that makes us coming back for more, again and again and again. How come having and keeping this closeness is so hard? Why can we not make it work all the time?
One of the reasons is no doubt that each one of us is a very unique and complex human being in and by ourselves. The other major reasons are
- our unrealistic expectations when going into the relationship,
- the common belief that we are actually meant to live happily ever after, and
- our unwillingness to accept each others differences.
The last one is big! Men and women are NOT alike. We are built differently, we think differently, we don’t speak the same language and we certainly don’t understand things the same way. However, we try very hard at making each other more the same. This causes an enormous amount of conflict, pain and misunderstandings! It’s for example what happens when women get together and talk about everything their husbands are not, arguing about how they should be and what they should do in order to be great spouses.
Albeit, it all starts out so well. At the beginning of the relationship we can’t get enough of one another and happily make things work for each other. He listens, she talks, and the dishes are done together. If there are little kinks here and there, they will certainly change in the future. Or so we think. Over time the romance wears off and a more habitual partner emerges. This comes as a surprise: “We used to talk for hours and he really understood me. But now he does not even listen to me anymore.” “I thought she liked watching football with me. Now she gets upset every time I turn on the TV.”
At this point of the relationship most people try really hard to get their perfect partner back. In reality, there is no perfect partner. He was never perfect to begin with. We all have our weaknesses, we all have tempers, bad manners, and attitudes. The only person that can 100 % satisfy our every need, keep things in exactly the order we like, say the things we want to hear and never, ever leave their underwear on the bathroom floor, is us.
In a relationship we cannot control the way our partner is nor can we change him into what we want him to be. On the contrary, fighting the differences will make them stronger and by trying to change somebody we will make them want to resist even more. The only thing we can do is accept our partner for who he is, without conditions!
Other things we can do:
- Love yourself ~ Some people are in relationships because they are afraid to be alone. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t possibly love somebody else. Be courageous and get to know yourself. You are the most amazing being on this planet. Start accepting yourself for who you are, for your strengths and for your weaknesses. You are after all your very own best friend!
- Accept the differences ~ This is easier said than done. We assume other people are like us and get flustered when they are not. Accept that we are different. He does not like to talk in the morning? Don’t talk to him in the morning. He does not want to watch the same movies? Find someone who does. Only if we accept our differences can we create the space to understand each other.
- Be interested ~ Curiosity is an amazing thing and kids have it in spades. Wow, who is this person that can give us such joy and such heartache? What does he like, what are his dreams, how can we get closer to him? If you can stay curious, if you don’t already know who the other person is, life will become magical.
- Be honest ~ Being honest is not as easy as it may seem. First, be honest with yourself. What do you really want? Stop acting nice, don’t pretend to be someone you are not. We can’t very well appreciate one another if we are playing games of deception. You don’t have to put on an act to get what you want, just ask for it.
- Keep learning ~ Unfortunately, we don’t learn how to have a great relationship in school, or growing up. Do your homework. Take a seminar, get a coach, read and learn online or in books. There is some great information out there that can really help you in making sense out of it all. I am listing a few books below that have really helped me and I hope they are valuable for you as well.
In Conclusion:
Women, give men a break! They don’t do what they do to upset you. They do what they do because that’s who they are. Work with your man instead of against him. He hates to take out the trash? Don’t ask him to. Do it yourself. He loves to serve you breakfast in bed? Let him do it and don’t fuss when he forgets the napkin
Books
Same Words Different Language: How Men and Women Misunderstand each other at Work and What to do About it by Barbara Annis
Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men And Women by Anne Moir and David Jessel
Men Like Women Who Like Themselves by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
How To Succeed With Men by David Copeland and Ron Louis
Tweet This Post Facebook
A friend of mine sent me a link to a book this morning called “Men Are Easy”!
Men are easy? I read some of the book excerpts and really liked the information! I tried one of her suggestions with my husband and he laughed. “This will work”, was all he said.
Check it out:
How To Get Help From A Man By Doing Nothing?
My friend worked out of town through the weekend. Her husband was home, moping a bit that he hadn’t come with her. When she got home, there was no food in the house for people or dogs.
Old Scenario
“Why didn’t you go to the store? I’ve been working all weekend and all you do is … blah, blah, blah”
He checks out.
Hungry and grumpy, she goes shopping.
New scenario:
“Oh my. No food? No dog food? Oh, well. I’m going to take a bath.”
He thinks, “Oh shit. All we have is chips and beer. She’s been working all weekend and I’ve been laying around.”
Lightbulb!
“I’ll go get some food!”
She gets a bath and dinner, the dogs get fed, and everyone’s happy.
What do you think? Can it be that easy? I am sure I’ll take more bath’s more often
Karin
Tweet This Post Facebook
In his book “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire”, Deepak Chopra states that anger is perhaps the single most destructive emotion. Anger motivates us to harm others and to inflict pain. It clouds our perception of unity and alienates us from the very people we love. By giving in to anger we lose touch not only with the ones close to us but also with ourselves and our life’s purpose.
Our natural state is one of balance and harmony. Feeling good and keeping our natural rhythm is what we constantly strive to. It is when that inner balance is disturbed, that we get angry.
As human beings we will always have emotions, they are part of the human condition. The question is, how can we deal with them in the best possible way? How can we navigate through life without losing our internal balance? Below are five ways that I have found to be effective when dealing with frustrations, especially anger. I would love to find out what strategies work for you. Please feel free to add them to the list!
- Knowing yourself. The first step in dealing with emotional upsets is knowing what it is you need to stay in tune. Your inner balance is different from that of other people, which is especially important to realize in relationships. Some people are more patient and good natured than others while some have a very short fuse. Get very clear about this: What do you need to stay relaxed and happy?
- Take responsibility. The best way of dealing with anger is by not letting it happen in the first place. Stay alert to your environment and watch out for possible interferences. This can mean to politely but firmly end a conversation that goes on for too long or to step out of a situation that starts to get on your nerves. Don’t let being nice get in the way when it comes to your own happiness. Say no before you get upset. Once your inner peace is disrupted, it may take a while to get it back.
- Take a break. Somebody got to you and you lost your calm? Chill out. Get away, take a break or, get busy. Venting anger really does not help! It only fuels the irritation and makes it grow. Talking about your upset does not work either. When you are angry, so is your judgment and you will not be able to solve a conflict until you can see things clearly again.
Some people may argue that talking about a conflict is a good way of solving it. I am not saying that it isn’t, all I am saying is, don’t talk until you got over it.
- Get your attention on something else. Distracting yourself from the upset really works. Focus on something that is fun, like working on your business, watching a movie, taking a nap, talking to a friend, or exercising. This last one really works! You will be surprised how fast your mood improves once you get physically active.
Find out what helps you in regaining your calm and act upon it. I know this takes real discipline when all you want is to strike back. In the long run however, it is so much more effective!
- Make peace. In my opinion most arguments or conflicts are nobody’s fault. They happen and when they are over, it is time to make peace. Telling the other person that you are sorry and that you appreciate them won’t hurt. Be courageous, get close to the people you love, and, fight fair!
These are just a few examples of how to deal with your every day aggravations and upsets. If you experience real deep rooted resentment however, this may not be enough and I encourage you to seek outside support to regain your inner peace. At the core, we are all happy bundles of love!
Tweet This Post Facebook
