“But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream”
R.E.M
I talked to a friend of mine the other day who had just put in one week at her new corporate job. “It feels like I am losing my freedom every day I walk in there,” she told me. After her first week she felt exhausted, uninspired and beat up. One hour in traffic every afternoon on her way home, 8 hours of working in an office without windows, lit only by fluorescent lights, and a strictly corporate dress code had worn her down. “I was ready to quit after the second day,” she said. “How can I write in an environment like that?” She had been hired as a social media and marketing expert in an industry she had no interest in.
The truth of the matter is that working at that job is not what my friend’s dream is made of. She loves to write and to be creative. She enjoys the freedom of being an entrepreneur and she is a risk taker. However, a steady job sounded so yummy and the regular money was certainly nice, not to mention so much safer.
Can you relate? Is your inner voice telling you to stick with the secure job as well? That you’ll make more money, have greater benefits, enjoy working a regular schedule, etc.? Or, are you convincing yourself that once you have saved up some money and paid down your debt, then you’ll get out?
The crux of the matter is, that most of the time we don’t save up that money. Instead, we get a more expensive apartment, buy a better car, afford nicer furniture, and the time to start living our dream starts slipping away. Because that time is right now.
See, we got it all wrong. We think that selling our soul for a short while won’t hurt and that making a small compromise isn’t that bad. What we don’t notice, however, is that we are losing not only our freedom but also our lives.
In the movie ‘Stop-Loss’, Ryan Phillippe gets sent back to Iraq on the day he was supposed to get out. By law the government has the right to make that choice and send qualified soldiers back to war - even when they have put in their time. After disobeying orders and running away, his dad tells him “Son, you are ruining your life!” To which his mother replies, “Do you think he’s better off getting killed in Iraq?”
Isn’t it true? The constant fear of ‘ruining our lives’ and not living up to the status quo has so many people all tied up trading aliveness for safety instead of taking the risk to live from freedom. It’s a choice we are making every day.
_________________
Photo source: Engin Erdogan via Flickr under a creative commons license
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Men show their appreciation through achievements, women through words.
In one of my seminars a woman asked, “How do you know how much a man loves a woman? They certainly don’t seem to tell us every day, do they?” I asked my husband the same question that evening, “How can you tell how much a man loves a woman?” He thought about it for a brief moment and then said, “By what he is willing to do for her.” Plain and simple.
In relationship coaching, this issue comes up in almost every session. Men and women show their love differently and not only does this create conflict it also causes huge amounts of pain. Women want to talk to men about their feelings. We create environments of pleasure and relaxation by sharing and talking. It relaxes us. The problem is, it does not relax men in the same way. On the contrary, it creates tension for them and confusion. Don’t get me wrong, men do want to please us, do the right thing and say the right words, they just don’t know how. They only time a man knows what to do is when a woman has shown him how. In most cases, men will remain silent and women will feel hurt.
Why is it so painful when a man does not respond with attention, words, smiles, and those little gestures that make us feel better? As women, we are aware of what goes on around us at all times. We pay attention to the mood in a room, to the mood of the people in the room, we smooth out ups and downs in the energy, we smile, we touch, we play and we make sure everybody is happy. It’s a natural flow for us, it is easy and it feels good. We are used to showing our affection that way and it creates a void when a man does not respond in kind.
What can we do about it?
Below are several ways to bring out the love in your man:
- Don’t expect him to be something he is not. You can be angry at your guy for not getting it (and be miserable for the rest of your life) or you can accept him for who he is. It’s up to you.
- Don’t talk to him about your feelings. Period. Especially not when you are down, upset, stressed out or otherwise tense. It’s going to end badly. Instead, take a hot bath, chill out, watch a movie, or talk to a girlfriend. Women know how to comfort and make you feel better.
- Ask him for help. Remember, men like showing their love by doing things for you. Learn to ask for support. Tell him about a problem you are confronted with and ask him how he would handle it. You will be surprised how fast he comes up with a solution. This is where men are brilliant. They love to think strategically and solve problems. It’s easy for them and it makes them feel good about themselves.
- Acknowledge him. Tell him when he does something you like. Instead of complaining about what he is doing wrong, tell him what he is doing right. It will go a long way.
- Give him a chance to win. Men like to be heroes and they like to win for you. Let him show his brilliance and have the last word. So many women have to constantly prove that they can do it themselves. It’s exhausting. Give in and relax. Realize how much he wants to impress you, how much he revels in your admiration and enjoy your feminine power.
Related Posts:
5 Tips For Staying Happy in Your Relationship
He Likes Me - Doesn’t He?
What Are Men Attracted to In Women?
Photo Source: Katie Tegtmeyer via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
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How To Find A Man Series
Let’s talk about men today, shall we? What is it that men like in women? What are they attracted to?
Let me give you the good news first: Men already love women! Women are fascinating. They are mesmerizing, mystifying, enchanting and yes, also utterly confusing! What exactly is it that makes women so interesting?
Two things: Number one our sexuality, of course! It’s the shape of a woman’s body, the flow of our hair, our smile, the way we walk and move our hips. If a man is attracted sexually, that’s all there is. He is probably not interested in getting to know you better, call you the next day (Yes, this is the bad news!), or start a relationship with you. Unless there is something else involved that makes him also interested in you in a “romantic” way.
When a man is romantically attracted to a woman he wants to do things for her. He wants to protect you, provide for you, win battles and bring home trophies. He wants to be your hero. Remember the story where Tom Sawyer tries to get Becky’s attention? He walks on his hands in front of her window and does somersaults to impress her. He wants her to admire him and acknowledge his brilliance. He wants her attention! What in Becky was it that attracted him? She was sincere, a bit shy and courageous. She was herself and did not try to please him. He felt he could really help her and protect her.
Or take Jack Nickolson’s famous line in “As Good As It Gets”: “You make me want to be a better man”. What did Helen Hunt’s character do that made him say that? What was it that made her so attractive? It was for sure not the way she dressed! She was natural and unpretentious. She was honest towards him without making him wrong. She served him without trying to please him. She did not care and she showed her true colors.
Of course different men will be attracted by different qualities but what every man wants, is to feel great when he is around you. Men are attracted to women who are self confident and happy with themselves. They are inspired by women who are naturally enthusiastic and friendly and who are interested in them. Has it ever happened to you that you really fell for a man and in the process you changed the way you interacted with him? All of a sudden you became more self conscious, insecure, timid or girlish? Putting on an act does not attracted a man in a way that he wants to connect with you long-term. He may pursue you for sexual reasons, if that’s the type of man he is. Others will just stay away. They get the feeling that something isn’t right and they cannot build trust.
Note: Some men can get very seductive if they really just want to connect on the sexual level. Make sure that that is what you want also and don’t expect more from the connection.
If men are interested in women who are playful, interested, passionate and true to themselves, what does that leave you with? Isn’t it a relief to know that you don’t have to be someone you are not to be attractive? There is a lot of freedom in being who you are. Maybe it’s time to find out what it is you love and what you are passionate about? Or maybe it’s time to relax and stop worrying about finding the perfect partner and instead focus on what it is you love doing? In the process you may just attract a great man.
Quick Recap
Attraction
Sexual
- Body shape
- Movement
- Laugh
- Shiny hair
Romantic
- Self confidence
- Passion
- Interest in him / in men
- Attention, affection
- Happiness
- Receptivity
Photo source: Daniele Butera
You may have noticed that many of my latest posts have been about relationships. It’s something I love talking about and it’s also something I see so many people, men and women, struggle with. This post is part of the ‘How To Find A Man’ series. If you have questions on the topic or about relationships in general, please email them to karin@karinmanske.com or post them in your comments. Thank you!
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“Talk low, talk slow and don’t say too much.” -John Wayne
It hasn’t been until the last 15 years that modern technology and sophisticated research has allowed scientist to observe and prove how men and women brains work differently. While in the 70s and the 80s men and women tried to be equal, which really meant “the same”, the focus has shifted to “equal, but different”! While researchers are making the most amazing discoveries, many people are still completely unaware of these facts.
The differences are quite shocking. Most of us have noticed that men and women ’speak a different language’. Now scientists are providing the evidence. Not only do we feel differently, we also listen, think, observe, process information and approach problem solving from completely different angles! What impact will this information have on our lives? For most people this comes as a big relief. It’s nobody’s fault that we have such a hard time getting along. We really are just different!
For Example:
Men and women listen differently. Women engage in the process. They nod their heads or vocalize to show that they follow the conversation. Men pay attention quietly. They sit still and absorb the information without demonstrating that they understand. I first noticed this when leading a seminar for an all male audience. I conducted my class the same way I would normally present it to women. A little while into the seminar I started getting nervous. Something wasn’t quite right! My students were just sitting there staring at me. “Maybe they don’t understand my point?”, I thought. “Or, maybe they don’t agree with what I am saying?” So I asked: “Are you following me so far?” Everybody nodded and I relaxed. Teaching this first class for men was a stressful experience. Little did I know that it was just the difference in how men and women absorb information!
A Few Facts:
Male and female brains are built differently. While men access each part of the brain for specific tasks separately, women access both parts of the brain for lot’s of things. For example: when men use language, the right side of the brain is active. When women speak, they access both hemispheres of the brain at the same time. This is true for most other activities. When women listen, both parts of the brain are engaged while men concentrate in one side at a time. In women, both sides of the brain are busy ’seeing’ while in men only the left side is active. This explains why so many times women seem confusing to men and what we say makes no sense at all. Not only do women multi-task, we also multi-think, multi-speak and we do tend to see things from many different angles.
Related Posts:
Can You Change Your Man?
Men Want to Be Heroes
Men’s Brains …
How to Talk to Men
Interesting Books On The Subject:
The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine
Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men And Women by Anne Moir and David Jessel
The New Feminine Brain: Developing Your Intuitive Genius by Mona Lisa Schulz
Brain Gender by Melissa Hines
Same Words Different Language: How Men And Women Misunderstand Each Other At Work And What To Do About It by Barbara Annis
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Relationships are what matters most in life. The quality of our connections determines our level of happiness.
Unfortunately, all too often we turn away from each other when what we really want is getting closer.
This happens not only in relationships but in almost all aspects of life. People make decisions based on fear and misconceptions and as a result pull away and disconnect from the very things they want.
Nowhere is this as evident as in relationships. I firmly believe that what people want most is to be together. We want to be loved, cherished, understood and appreciated. Yet, much too often we are separated by misunderstandings and conflicts that eat away at our intimacy.
In her article “A Couples Therapist Screws Up”, Darby Saxbe talks about her experience when she tried to have her way in her relationship. She went from pushing and pulling, trying to get her way by telling her boyfriend what to do, to learning how to put down her weapons, lean in and collaborate. If you want to find out how she did this, you can find the full article here.
As with everything we want to become good at, we need to study, learn, practice and make mistakes to master it. Relationships are no exception. Maybe we expect that we should just know how to do it. Sadly, we don’t! There aren’t many couples who are just naturally good at having wonderful partnerships. The good news is that it is absolutely possible to have great intimacy and harmonious relationships if we put our minds to it. Isn’t this a goal worth while reaching for?
Want to learn more on the subject? Join me and my good friend Dr. Michael Giammatteo for a Couples and Singles Relationship Discovery Series “She Said & He Heard”, in Palm Springs, CA on March 7, 2009.
To find out more about Darby Saxbe’s couples therapy approach, visit the Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy website.
Photo: © 2008 Jupiterimages Corporation
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