“But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream”
R.E.M
I talked to a friend of mine the other day who had just put in one week at her new corporate job. “It feels like I am losing my freedom every day I walk in there,” she told me. After her first week she felt exhausted, uninspired and beat up. One hour in traffic every afternoon on her way home, 8 hours of working in an office without windows, lit only by fluorescent lights, and a strictly corporate dress code had worn her down. “I was ready to quit after the second day,” she said. “How can I write in an environment like that?” She had been hired as a social media and marketing expert in an industry she had no interest in.
The truth of the matter is that working at that job is not what my friend’s dream is made of. She loves to write and to be creative. She enjoys the freedom of being an entrepreneur and she is a risk taker. However, a steady job sounded so yummy and the regular money was certainly nice, not to mention so much safer.
Can you relate? Is your inner voice telling you to stick with the secure job as well? That you’ll make more money, have greater benefits, enjoy working a regular schedule, etc.? Or, are you convincing yourself that once you have saved up some money and paid down your debt, then you’ll get out?
The crux of the matter is, that most of the time we don’t save up that money. Instead, we get a more expensive apartment, buy a better car, afford nicer furniture, and the time to start living our dream starts slipping away. Because that time is right now.
See, we got it all wrong. We think that selling our soul for a short while won’t hurt and that making a small compromise isn’t that bad. What we don’t notice, however, is that we are losing not only our freedom but also our lives.
In the movie ‘Stop-Loss’, Ryan Phillippe gets sent back to Iraq on the day he was supposed to get out. By law the government has the right to make that choice and send qualified soldiers back to war - even when they have put in their time. After disobeying orders and running away, his dad tells him “Son, you are ruining your life!” To which his mother replies, “Do you think he’s better off getting killed in Iraq?”
Isn’t it true? The constant fear of ‘ruining our lives’ and not living up to the status quo has so many people all tied up trading aliveness for safety instead of taking the risk to live from freedom. It’s a choice we are making every day.
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Photo source: Engin Erdogan via Flickr under a creative commons license
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“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.” ~ Herbert Otto
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Coaching yourself is quite different from working with an outside coach. In self coaching you can’t rely on someone else for keeping you on track with your goals and in giving you honest feedback. A new degree of intensity and discipline is added to the process. The outside guide is replaced with an inner guide. Self-awareness and the willingness to take an honest look at yourself are key if you want to come face-to-face with your greatness as well as your weaknesses.
This can be humbling (coming to terms with your shortcomings) as well as terrifying (accepting your brilliance). You won’t be able to fool yourself or blame others for your mistakes any longer: Once you wake up, life will be speaking to you loud and clear.
Accepting yourself for who you are can be daunting. You will realize that you can have anything you want and that the only person keeping you from living your dream is you. With more clarity you’ll get a glimpse of the vibrant being you want to become. That’s also when you start to recognize that you have old habits that are not serving your own best interest. If you want to become a better person, you’ll have to clean up your act. The question is, how?
Below I am sharing three steps that have helped me in finding and changing some of my own set ways. Recognizing and letting go of them is essential in living your life with more honesty and passion.
Step One: Discover
With increased awareness comes increased responsibility. While you learn to coach yourself you will most likely become more sensitive to your environment. You’ll notice the impact you have on other people and the impact they have on you. Let’s say that with becoming more aware you notice that you have a certain way of turning people off. This could be from fear of not being heard, of abandonment, of commitment, or many other reasons. It may lead you to wanting to win other people’s approval, always having to have the last word, the need to be right, etc. You’ll be the judge of how you play the game. Once you recognize your pattern, ask yourself two important questions:
How am I using this habit? And, is it serving my own best interest? Observe yourself closely: What triggers your behavior and how is it played out? If you feel courageous, venture into your past and find out when you started this behavior and what it is protecting. Is it expanding your life or is it costing you health, wealth, and friends? Be really honest with yourself. Once all this has become much clearer, move on to the next step.
Step Two: Accept
Before you can change a habit you have to accept it. What I realized in my own practice is that before I submitted to what I was doing there was a tendency to make excuses, to act as if I had no control, or to ignore it altogether. Once you have gone through all of these detours (take all the time you need) you’ll come to a place of surrender and acceptance. Any way you look at the situation now, you realize that there is no way out other than changing what you are doing. At this point you are ready for step three.
Step Three: Change
Once you accepted responsibility for your behavior, you can let it go. As you may know, old habits die hard and sometimes it seems almost impossible. Believe me, it can be done. What I recommend is to set up a game. Here is how it works:
Tell someone you trust what you have discovered that you want to change it. Now, create a game. For example, I notice my tendency to coach people whether they asked me to or not. I guess it comes with the territory 
. Once I could no longer ignore my behavior and was ready to adjust it, I told my husband about it. Together we thought of a game. This is what we came up with: For one week, every time I interfered in someone’s life without their permission, I would point it out to them and apologize for it. In addition, I would do 10 push-ups and 10 crunches for each act of unrequested coaching. This may sound silly, but it worked. By the end of the week I had not only gotten stronger arms, I had also learned to catch myself from meddling in other people’s lives.
One tip: When creating the game, make it fun as well as challenging. If the consequences are too low, chances are that you will not put in the effort to make the adjustment.
I hope this helps in creating new opportunities in your life. If you have questions or comments, please let me know in the section below.
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Related Posts:
The Power of Attention: How to Add More Ease to Your Life
What Lights You Up? Life Coaching in Action
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__________________
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If you are a man in a relationship with a woman, you may have experienced this scenario: Your significant other tells you about a problem she’s facing, and, after thinking about it for a moment, you tell her how to handle it. Case closed.
As you probably noticed, it’s not that easy. Women like to talk about problems and men like to solve them. However, women seldom follow the advice they are given.
Why? When women have a problem or are dealing with a confusing situation, we like to talk about it. We are looking for input, and, most likely, we are looking for lots of it.
As women, we like to consider our options and, we may not be looking for a simple one-fits-all answer. Because, well, see, there are so many different ways to approach the issue.
I guess the positive aspect of this behavior is that it helps to minimize the risk of making a bad decision. The downside is, as my husband puts it, that women may get killed before they come up with an answer.
If as a man you are frustrated with our response to your well meant suggestion, rest assured that we don’t mean to upset you. We may just need a little longer to come to a similar conclusion … or drop the issue all together.
Photo Source: beau-foto via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
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Guest post by Isabel Parlett, owner of Parlance Training.
Every entrepreneur needs a coach. An ambitious athlete wouldn’t dream of going into competition without one. If you take your success (and your well-being) seriously, you’ll want the competitive edge that a skilled coach can give. Whether your business is brand-new, struggling, or thriving, you can probably get more profit and more pleasure with the help of a coach.
What is a coach? A coach is someone with whom you work on an on-going basis whose sole purpose is to support you in doing and being your best. Think of a coach as a personal trainer for your life. By helping you set goals, challenging you to take action, reviewing results, and introducing new concepts and approaches, a coach helps you to produce better results with less effort. Unlike many consultants, a coach stays with you week to week, month to month, and even year to year as you and your business grow. Your coach will become an expert on you and on what you need to be at your best. If you’re an entrepreneur, a coach will also guide you as you set up a strategic business plan, align your business goals with your personal values, eliminate distractions, and plug up profit holes.
The truth is everyone can benefit from coaching. But for the entrepreneur that support is especially crucial. Why?
1. Running a business is risky.
Every year thousands of small businesses fold. As an entrepreneur, you’ll need every advantage to make your business successful and satisfying. By bringing in an objective adviser, who stays with you as you implement new ideas and plans, you tap into a broader range of resources for creating success. A coach will bring her own background and expertise to the table, as well as her experience working with other entrepreneurs. Often, the small shifts that a coach will suggest will have a dramatic impact on how you and your business function. Or a coach may challenge you to dramatic action like doubling your profits, or delegating 50% of your work load.
2. Being an entrepreneur can be lonely.
Entrepreneurs and especially those who work solo, can suffer from a sense of isolation. Sitting at home, or in your office, you may miss the camaraderie that larger offices provide. You may lack that feeling of being part of some bigger project. Even if you work with others in your business, the burden of decision-making may fall on your shoulders alone. A coach is there as a partner and cheerleader to share in the successes and setbacks of your business. A good coach will make you feel that you are not in it all alone. Though your business decisions will continue to be yours, a coach will be there to discuss the issues and to give you new perspectives for making the call. A coach will also make sure that your work life is balanced with personal pleasures such as private time, family time, and vacations.
3. Running your own business is labor intensive.
Many entrepreneurs feel that the only way to build a successful business is to work 18 hours a day, seven days a week. Actually, it is easier to sustain the growth of your business if you take excellent care of your most precious asset, yourself. The short term benefits of a killer schedule are often not worth the long term cost of stress and burnout. In addition, you become far less attractive to potential clients and associates when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. A coach will require that you put your well-being first, make time for friends and family, and redesign your business so that it doesn’t drain you.
4. It’s easy to lose sight of the big picture while taking care of the details.
Running your own business, your day may consist of everything from buying stamps, to making calls, to designing a brochure, to keeping your office clean. Even if you have an assistant, you are a jack-of-all-trades, rapidly changing hats to serve all the needs of the business. With so many roles to play, it’s easy to get so focused on details and lose sight of the big picture. By designing and discussing that big picture with your coach, and revisiting those objectives each week, you stay on track with the actions that most contribute to the long-term growth of your business rather than get tied up managing its day-to-day functioning.
Are these challenges that you face? If so, starting a coaching relationship can be the first step to redesigning your relationship to your work. Though some people get effective support from a partner, friend of family member, many find that a professional coach offers the right combination of objectivity, encouragement and challenge. In either case, the key to a successful coaching relationship is to have regular meetings, on an on-going basis, where you are the sole focus for at least half an hour. It’s also important that you trust your coach to be objective, to support you with your agenda, and to communicate ideas in a way that has you hear them. Any relationship that has you feel defensive, pressured to agree, or overloaded with “should’s” is not going to work.
If you want to explore coaching further, call a coach or two and schedule an introductory appointment. Most coaches are happy to do an initial consultation free of charge. Those sessions will give you a clear sense of what coaching can add to your business and allow you to experience that coach’s personal style. Speak to several. Different coaches have very different energies, philosophies, and styles. Look for someone with whom you feel a sense of connection and by whom you feel challenged. Take time to ask if the coach is herself being coached. A coach who is truly committed to the process will herself be using coaching to get the most out of her life and work. Becoming successful in your business is your ultimate goal. Isn’t it intriguing to think how much more you could achieve by having a Coach?
Isabel Parlett is a business communication expert known for helping innovative business owners put words to what moves them. You can get free resources on communicating with more passion and power at www.parlancetraining.com
What is your experience? Have you worked with a coach and how has that impacted your business or life? I’d love to hear from you on the topic. ~Karin
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In yesterday’s post I showed you initial steps to discover your passion. Today I want to follow up with two exercises that will help you in defining what lights you up even more. You will start to see your unique soul purpose and how to align it with your life and your career.
There is one tricky part in finding your passion: Whatever it is you love doing can come so easy to you that it’s hard to recognize. It may even look like something you should not be doing.
For example: One of my clients, who loves reading romance novels, for some strange reason thought this was not something appropriate to do. She had gotten it into her mind that reading novels was a guilty pleasure. Well, eventually she did admit her passion for juicy romance and today she is a published author of her own!
So, pay close attention to what lights you up and be ready to allow what seems mundane to be your talent!
Exercise One: Brain Dump
Take a notebook and pick a place where you are undisturbed. Get comfortable, relax, and let your thoughts wander. When did you have most fun in your life? What were you doing? Where did you live? Who were you with? Write this down.
How about your current life? What are the things you enjoy most? What would you like to do all the time if you could? Do you like where you live? If not, what would be nicer? What life style do you love? Who are the people you like spending time with? Again, write this down.
Let your imagination run free. If you had a blank canvas and lots of colors, how would you draw your life? Also, notice when you skepticism comes in. Just notice it without giving it much attention. Be careful not to judge or validate your choices. Whatever it is you like gets a go.
Exercise Two: The Pieces of Your Puzzle
Take 20 index cards (or cut up 20 pieces of paper). On each piece write an activity you enjoy doing. If you did your list before, read through it and pick the 20 activities that you love the most. This is what you do when time does not matter, the things you get lost in.
Once you are done, look over the pieces of your puzzle. Which ones fit together naturally? Can you see a pattern? What activities can you turn into a project?
When I did this exercise years ago some of the pieces of my puzzle where: Talking to people, traveling, being social, reading, exploring new cultures, a zest for learning, spending time by the ocean, a love for beauty, shopping, meeting new people, adventure, skiing, being creative, designing.
Looking at the pieces what emerged for me was my love for people and talking to them, my zest for learning, traveling and adventure. I started to pursue those activities more and more, which eventually led me to become a life coach. Today, I am working with people all over the world, learning about their needs and being able to make a lasting difference in their lives. In the process I get to travel, shop, spend time in beautiful places, and live a life of adventure.
Related posts:
Want to Find Your Passion? Here’s What You Can Do
What Lights You Up - Action Steps
What Lights You Up - Coaching Show
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