Most people are so busy to make improvements that they don’t notice that they stepped out of heaven. - Byron Katie
Listening to Byron Katie’s book ‘I Need Your Love - Is That True?” I was reminded of the great paradox, the one that can be so hard to accept: Life isn’t perfect, you are not perfect … and that’s alright.
You don’t need to change. Pain comes from thinking that you should be different, that things should not be the way they are. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to improve to be your best self.
Start here: Nothing has to change. You are alright now and so is your life.
Relax. Take a deep breath. Enjoy yourself. You are perfect with all your flaws, imperfections, and obsessions.
In her book, Byron Katie says that the quest for finding approval and appreciation from others is what consumes most people all day and every day. It sets in motion hundreds of strategies to win favor, and admiration, or just to please. It’s a constant monitoring to see if we are gaining or losing ground in the approval sweepstakes.
What a strange thing. We put our power and self-love into the hands of others and buy into the idea that unless people approve of us we are worthless. And so we think that we have to change to be loved. The irony is that the struggle to win love makes it very difficult to experience it.
Start having enjoyable conversations with yourself. Laugh about your obsessions and let yourself be amused by your worries and fears. Life is here to support you, it want’s to work out. Start to understand that your imperfections are perfect and so are the imperfections of the people around you.
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One of my all time favorite books on writing is Brenda Ueland’s “If You Want to Write. A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit”. It is an uplifting, witty, helpful and supportive book for writers. Written in 1938, it is still relevant today.
Below is what Brenda says about creating one another through listening, attention and words. Enjoy!
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force…
When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life…
When we listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other…
and it is this little creative fountain inside us that begins to spring and cast up new thoughts and unexpected laughter and wisdom…
Well, it is when people really listen to us, with quiet fascinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again, to accelerate in the most surprising way.” -Brenda Ueland
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2010 is upon us!
What better time than the days between Christmas and the New Year to regroup, rethink and redesign. Not only does this time hold promises of possibilities and new beginnings, it also offers an opportunity to sort out your life, start some things anew and reinvent yourself.
In mythology the 12 nights between Christmas and January 6 are called the Holy Nights. People over the ages have used the Earth’s stillness and increased darkness for introspection and meditation.
Take a look at nature. During the winter’s long nights and coldness the Earth has come to a stand-still. Trees have shed their leaves, plants have stopped growing and nature is holding in its breath. Or so it seems. Deep down in the darkness of moist and dirt, however, the Earth is busier than ever getting ready for its renewal in Spring. It is during this period of bleakness on the outside when most inner work is taking place.
Can we use this time to reinvent ourselves as well? Will what we plant now come to fruition in 2010? I like to believe so. Over the years I have come to love and cherish these days between Christmas and the New Year when work is slow, the kids are off from school and our day-to-day routine has come to a halt. I use this time for my yearly inventory and to relax from the outside pressures so I can regroup and re-envision myself.
Here are some of the things I have come to love:
Dare to be still- Allow yourself to do nothing. After the busyness of the last few weeks this may feel strange. Be patient with yourself. It may take your mind and body a little while to unwind. Our outside world offers so much stimulation all day long that it almost seems easier to be busy than to be still. I went to see a movie last night and was surprised how crowded the streets were! If you want to use this time for inside reflection, be aware of life’s many distractions.
Indulge- Get lost in things you love. Do what you normally don’t allow yourself to do. Put the brakes on the ‘work a little harder, do a little more, go the extra mile’ mindset and indulge. This can be anything from keeping your computer turned off for a while, sleeping in till noon, going on long walks, daydreaming, taking hot baths, reading a novel, watching as many movies as you want, etc. Whatever helps you to relax and recharge your batteries will enable you to regain the vision for your life.
Dream- I read at one point that the dreams we have during the 12 nights of Christmas hold insights and answers to our lives most pressing questions. True or not, I love these kinds of myths and use them for reflection. Each morning I take time to remember and write down the dreams I had the night before and see if they trigger something within me. It is a lot of fun. If you like you can look up some of the symbols in a dream dictionary.
Meditate- It is during the months of winter that I meditate. Maybe you are doing this already on a regular basis and I congratulate you! For me meditation does not come easy and I have to consciously schedule it. What has helped me is using Deepak Chopra’s amazing book The Instantaneous Fulfillment of Desire. It offers a guided 7-day meditation as well as ways to select different archetypes that reflect your inner most values and desires. I really love the process and invite you to try it out. It is a great source for insights and healing.
Journal- Write down your dreams. I am a sucker for all things beautiful, so for me this starts with choosing a beautiful journal and a nice pen :). I carry this book with me at all times and write down whatever ideas or revelations I have. You may wake up one morning and see with great clarity who you want to be, where you want to live and what you want to do. Write it down. It’s how I have conjured up many things in my life from jobs to successes, adventures, and even the love of my life!
Collages- We all learn and reflect in different ways. Maybe for you putting together pictures is a fun way of dreaming up your future? You can make a collage for your private life, one for your business, for your relationships, etc. It can be big or small, elaborate or simple. At one point I started a dream book with blank pages (Sketch books are great for this) that I turned into collages one by one. It is an ongoing project and I add a new page every few months. It is fun to watch how the images have changed over the years. In my case from busy to calm and from wild city life to serenity and peacefulness.
Putting it all together- The greatest insights and ideas will turn to nothing if you don’t put them into action. All throughout this time of retrospection and reflection, I also set goals. I keep a big calendar for 2010 and plan out my year according to what inspires me and what projects I want to expand on. For example in 2009 I have been writing on a regular basis and I started to put my coaching expertise into a self-coaching book. In 2010 I want to find more of that writer in my heart and finish my book.
How about you? What do you cherish about this time? I’d love to find out what your rituals are in getting ready for 2010!
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Are you curious to find out who you want to be in 2010? Join me for a 6-week ‘What Lights You Up’ Coaching Group starting on January 13th!
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It’s that time of year again and while preparing for Christmas, I couldn’t help but think that the most precious gift we can give to each other is to live our lives with an open heart.
Happiness is a skill we are all born with. Keeping it alive in a society that values achievements, good grades and winning over personal connections and joy, is sometimes not so easy.
As kids our hearts are vibrant and our experiences immediate. If we hurt we cry, if we are angry we scream. I remember how my son told me once that he had locked himself up in a bathroom to cry for an hour because he had so much pain in his heart. He was directing a group of performers at the time and didn’t think anything of it. He felt pressure in his heart and he dealt with it. He was young.
When was the last time you did that?
How do you make your heart glow again?
When your heart is heavy, life seems dull. Judging others and secretly blaming them for what’s happening in your life has become a habit that tightened your senses. You may think this is normal, but honestly, has it always been this way? Can you remember times when you were light and full of joy?
If you want to rekindle your happiness you need to find ways to relax your heart. Being aware of the numbness that has taken hold of you is the first step. Most likely you haven’t even noticed how heaviness crept in; it happened slowly and while you learned to toughen up, worked hard, and got things done, you stopped feeling life.
The good news is that you can learn how to be happy again. It is after all your natural state. Below are a few exercises that can help you in waking up to the ecstasy of being alive:
Allow yourself to cry. Crying is a great way of letting go of the pressures in your body. Stop holding back and go for it: Read a sad book, watch a sad movie and let your feelings flow: Ahh, this is good!
Be aware of your thoughts. They naturally want to tell you that it’s someone’s fault that you are unhappy, that it must have some deep and dirty reason, however, it doesn’t. Cry without attachment or drama. This may take some practice but ultimately it’s a great relief. You can be unhappy (or happy) for no reason.
Practice forgiveness. Feelings of empathy and forgiveness make your heart soft. Holding back your love hurts. Realize how you actively engage in acts of revenge and start practicing forgiveness. Hitting back may feel good at the moment but it will keep you alone and isolated in the long run. If it’s meant to hurt, it will hurt you first.
Write down the arguments you are nursing in your mind. Do they open your heart? Are they creating deeper and more intimate connections? Given the choice, pick forgiveness over revenge any time. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge every little success along the way.
Let things go and move on … Dwelling on past events, especially painful ones, keeps them fresh and alive. Practice to let things go that you can’t do anything about. This takes concentration. Complaining and blaming are habits that die hard. Angelina Jolie said in an interview once: “I don’t believe in regrets. It’s a dangerous habit to get into — it makes you pause in your life if you start thinking back and questioning yourself.”
Surround yourself with light hearted people. Have you ever noticed that laughing comes easier with some people than others? Find people that inspire you and that light you up. Stop complaining about your life and don’t allow others to complain about theirs. Kids are bundles of love. If you have kids, spend time with them and drink in their energy. Be careful to keep their lights on.
What has made the biggest difference in my own life have been people who believed in my sweetness rather than my shortcomings. Practice the act of loving attention with yourself and others. Believing in your own goodness and the goodness of the people around you will make the biggest difference and will ultimately let you feel life again with all it’s depth and glory.
Good luck on your journey and Merry Christmas!
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On a day when I am overwhelmed by the feeling of overwhelm and trying to relax the tight knot in my stomach, I stumble across Steth Godin’s new ebook: What Matters Now and find this entry:
EASE
We are the strivingest people who have ever lived. We are ambitious, time-starved, competitive, distracted. We move at full velocity, yet constantly fear we are not doing enough. Though we live longer than any humans before us, our lives feel shorter, restless, breathless…
Dear ones, EASE UP. Pump the brakes. Take a step back. Seriously. Take two steps back. Turn off all your electronics and surrender over all your aspirations and do absolutely nothing for a spell. I know, I know – we all need to save the world. But trust me: The world will still need saving tomorrow. In the meantime, you’re going to have a stroke soon (or cause a stroke in somebody else) if you don’t calm the hell down.
So go take a walk. Or don’t. Consider actually exhaling. Find a body of water and float. Hit a tennis ball against a wall. Tell your colleagues that you’re off meditating (people take meditation seriously, so you’ll be absolved from guilt) and then actually, secretly, nap.
My radical suggestion? Cease participation, if only for one day this year – if only to make sure that we don’t lose forever the rare and vanishing human talent of appreciating ease.
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Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love. Her new book
Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage will be
published in January, 2010.
Hope this little piece on ease lights up your day, it certainly brightened mine. If you want to download your own copy of What Matters Now, you can do so here.
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