Men show their appreciation through achievements, women through words.
In one of my seminars a woman asked, “How do you know how much a man loves a woman? They certainly don’t seem to tell us every day, do they?” I asked my husband the same question that evening, “How can you tell how much a man loves a woman?” He thought about it for a brief moment and then said, “By what he is willing to do for her.” Plain and simple.
In relationship coaching, this issue comes up in almost every session. Men and women show their love differently and not only does this create conflict it also causes huge amounts of pain. Women want to talk to men about their feelings. We create environments of pleasure and relaxation by sharing and talking. It relaxes us. The problem is, it does not relax men in the same way. On the contrary, it creates tension for them and confusion. Don’t get me wrong, men do want to please us, do the right thing and say the right words, they just don’t know how. They only time a man knows what to do is when a woman has shown him how. In most cases, men will remain silent and women will feel hurt.
Why is it so painful when a man does not respond with attention, words, smiles, and those little gestures that make us feel better? As women, we are aware of what goes on around us at all times. We pay attention to the mood in a room, to the mood of the people in the room, we smooth out ups and downs in the energy, we smile, we touch, we play and we make sure everybody is happy. It’s a natural flow for us, it is easy and it feels good. We are used to showing our affection that way and it creates a void when a man does not respond in kind.
What can we do about it?
Below are several ways to bring out the love in your man:
Don’t expect him to be something he is not. You can be angry at your guy for not getting it (and be miserable for the rest of your life) or you can accept him for who he is. It’s up to you.
Don’t talk to him about your feelings. Period. Especially not when you are down, upset, stressed out or otherwise tense. It’s going to end badly. Instead, take a hot bath, chill out, watch a movie, or talk to a girlfriend. Women know how to comfort and make you feel better.
Ask him for help. Remember, men like showing their love by doing things for you. Learn to ask for support. Tell him about a problem you are confronted with and ask him how he would handle it. You will be surprised how fast he comes up with a solution. This is where men are brilliant. They love to think strategically and solve problems. It’s easy for them and it makes them feel good about themselves.
Acknowledge him. Tell him when he does something you like. Instead of complaining about what he is doing wrong, tell him what he is doing right. It will go a long way.
Give him a chance to win. Men like to be heroes and they like to win for you. Let him show his brilliance and have the last word. So many women have to constantly prove that they can do it themselves. It’s exhausting. Give in and relax. Realize how much he wants to impress you, how much he revels in your admiration and enjoy your feminine power.
In yesterday’s post I showed you initial steps to discover your passion. Today I want to follow up with two exercises that will help you in defining what lights you up even more. You will start to see your unique soul purpose and how to align it with your life and your career.
There is one tricky part in finding your passion: Whatever it is you love doing can come so easy to you that it’s hard to recognize. It may even look like something you should not be doing.
For example: One of my clients, who loves reading romance novels, for some strange reason thought this was not something appropriate to do. She had gotten it into her mind that reading novels was a guilty pleasure. Well, eventually she did admit her passion for juicy romance and today she is a published author of her own!
So, pay close attention to what lights you up and be ready to allow what seems mundane to be your talent!
Exercise One: Brain Dump
Take a notebook and pick a place where you are undisturbed. Get comfortable, relax, and let your thoughts wander. When did you have most fun in your life? What were you doing? Where did you live? Who were you with? Write this down.
How about your current life? What are the things you enjoy most? What would you like to do all the time if you could? Do you like where you live? If not, what would be nicer? What life style do you love? Who are the people you like spending time with? Again, write this down.
Let your imagination run free. If you had a blank canvas and lots of colors, how would you draw your life? Also, notice when you skepticism comes in. Just notice it without giving it much attention. Be careful not to judge or validate your choices. Whatever it is you like gets a go.
Exercise Two: The Pieces of Your Puzzle
Take 20 index cards (or cut up 20 pieces of paper). On each piece write an activity you enjoy doing. If you did your list before, read through it and pick the 20 activities that you love the most. This is what you do when time does not matter, the things you get lost in.
Once you are done, look over the pieces of your puzzle. Which ones fit together naturally? Can you see a pattern? What activities can you turn into a project?
When I did this exercise years ago some of the pieces of my puzzle where: Talking to people, traveling, being social, reading, exploring new cultures, a zest for learning, spending time by the ocean, a love for beauty, shopping, meeting new people, adventure, skiing, being creative, designing.
Looking at the pieces what emerged for me was my love for people and talking to them, my zest for learning, traveling and adventure. I started to pursue those activities more and more, which eventually led me to become a life coach. Today, I am working with people all over the world, learning about their needs and being able to make a lasting difference in their lives. In the process I get to travel, shop, spend time in beautiful places, and live a life of adventure.
In the new economy, and especially if you want to build a fulfilling life for yourself, the emphasis is on
Following Your Passion
Doing What You Love For a Living
Living Your Dream
It’s all great and true when you know what your passion is. What, if you don’t? What if you are clueless about what you want from life, let alone knowing what your dreams or passions are?
When I ask my clients the same question more often than not I get a blank stare and a shrug: “I am really not sure.”
The good news is that this is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t have a burning desire or a clear calling to follow. It does not mean that you are not passionate about some things and that you cannot find out what those things are. At this point you just don’t know and that’s all right.
By accepting this fact you already take a lot of the pressure off. In my experience it’s the worries and the expectations that cloud your vision and make it so hard to see your ideal life and career. The more you let go and relax, the clearer you will see what you want.
Step One: Give yourself permission to explore. Let go of the unrealistic expectation that you have to have all the answers. Embrace the fact that you don’t. It’s a very good place to start.
Step Two: Foster curiosity. Now that you have permission to explore, get interested in yourself. This may sound strange. We think that we have our best interest at heart but more often than not we don’t. We are hard on ourselves, we push and pressure, we are impatient and we are critical.
Stop treating yourself badly and practice loving appreciation. Embrace your fears and struggles, they are beautiful. You are beautiful and your life wants to work out for you. Your job is to stay out of the way and to feel good about yourself.
Step Three: Start a journal. This can be your ‘passionate book of secrets’ that only you have access to. I carry a little notebook with me wherever I go, it is my silent companion. In it I write my thoughts and impressions about things that inspire me, love notes to myself, ideas for new businesses, blog posts, things I am grateful for, and about life in general.
I also have a notebook for my worries, fears or considerations. When something really bothers me I take some time out and write down all my thoughts and resentments about that specific issue. When I am done dumping everything onto paper, I either rip up the pages and flush them down the drain or I burn them in a bucket in my garden. It is a very cleansing experience and helps me to get rid of obsessive thoughts.
These are some initial steps to clear your mind and to start the ‘finding your passion’ process. You may observe that your creativity increases and that new ideas and inspirations come forward. If this happens, record the ideas in your journal. Mostly, just give yourself time to relax and to ponder. Trust that things will work out for you and that you, too will find your passion!
In tomorrow’s post I’ll give you next steps and two practical exercises to further help you identify your passions.
In my last post and in yesterday’s coaching interview I introduced what I call the ‘Follow Your Lights’ process. Since not everybody has a coach at their disposal to guide them in finding and following their ‘lights’, I want to show you two things that you can do right now to find out what it is that lights you up.
Take these two action steps:
Observe yourself: Use observation to find out what you love doing. Watch your body: What are the activities that make you feel good? When do you relax and when do you tighten up? For example, think about one of your most pressing problems and observe what happens to your body. If you want, describe the feelings and sensations in a notebook.
Now, think about something you love doing. This can be anything from sleeping in in the mornings to having a wonderful dinner with your spouse, or watching a sunset over the ocean, etc. What happens to your body now? Do you feel the same or different from when you were thinking about your problem? Again, record your observations.
Next, apply this kind of observation to everything you do in your life. With time you will get a good sense of what activities make you happy and which ones pressure you. These responses are very important in finding answers to your life purpose.
Have someone else observe you: Observing yourself objectively can be very hard if you are not used to it. An easier way to do this is to have someone else observe you. In coaching I use an interview process to find out what it is a client wants. While they respond to my questions, I observe the responses I get from their bodies: Do they expand and lighten up or do they contract and get more tense? When does a spark enter their eyes, how does their breathing change, etc.
You can do the same thing with a companion or friend. Have them ask you questions and monitor your responses to whether you light up or not. This requires some practice. We are so used to listening to words and thoughts and rarely pay attention to the subtle responses we get from our bodies.
Here are some good questions to ask for this exercise:
What do you want?
What are you passionate about?
What are the things you do in your spare time?
If money and time did not matter, what would you do?
What is your desire?
What do you do when you forget time?
Be aware to use observation rather than interpretation when listening to your body. If you want to get familiar with the process, watch one of the following coaching shows in which I conduct coaching interviews in front of the camera using the ‘Follow Your Lights’ process:
Career Coaching ‘Live’ ~ What Lights You Up?
To watch more interactive online coaching, visit my Coach TV LA Show and send your questions my way.
This interview process is a very effective method in getting clear about what it is you want to do from the bottom of your heart. Good luck!
In today’s coaching show Coach TV LA, I am working with Jessica Gregson in Los Angeles.
At the beginning of the session, Jessica does not know what she wants in her career. She likes her job ‘well enough’ but it does not excite her. During the coaching interview you can see how by applying the ‘Follow Your Lights’ process, we effectively hone in on what it is Jessica really loves doing.
Watch life coaching live, it’s enlightening and it is fun
